You did this to me

Well high school, congrats, you royally sucked
you were a lot of late nights
a lot of time spent in a plastic chair
a lot of stress over a dumb letter that decides how well I learned stuff
a lot of time spent writing and reading things that don't really matter much
you also were a lot of fun
you gave me a lot of great people
you showed me how to be social
how to use the quadratic equation
you gave me friday nights at the football stadium
you gave me my very best friends, and I thank you for that
unfortunately you also turned me into into something I'm not.
Something I was never meant to be,
something I wish I never became
you made me care too much about where I sat at lunch,
you made me care too much about what I did on the weekends,
about who I was friends with,
about who I wasn't friends with,
about what I wore,
about who I liked, and who I didn't
You made me care too much about becoming something everyone else would like.
Becoming something that I know I can be so much more than.
You made me base way too much of my self esteem on followers, likes, comments, and fake friends,
and for that I say, cuss you.
you gave a little and took a lot,
but you are insignificant now,
and I get to live the rest of my life without you now,
so thanks for everything, you taught me a lot
I hope I never see you again.
And I'm not exactly sure what happens next, but the world is ours now,
It's what we make of it.
Deuces.

Remember when

I remember when my parents told me we were moving, my dad was wearing his red sweats with no shirt on his swivel chair. I had never cried so hard.

I remember taking 95 hamburgers to homeless people and the genuine smiles they gave. I remember the disappointment in the hundreds of others that didn't get any.

I remember the best summer of my life. Only because of how carefree it was, we didn't actually do anything that great even.

I remember the long summer days in Texas, my best friend was my mom and we hung out every friday night together.

I remember going to Ridley's every friday night 8th grade to get all the doughnuts we could fit in a box and playing video games the rest of the night. Far before girls mattered.

I remember spending every weekend with my old best friend. I remember the marie callenders chicken pot pies that took 44 minutes to cook at 425 and burned my tongue every time.

I remember the hispanic guy that tried to kidnap me in the harts parking lot. I remember hearing them trying to keep some other less fortunate kid in the car when one guy got out. I'm lucky.

I remember waking up with all my little brothers jumping on me every christmas morning. We always sleep in my room.

I remember when my uncle Jake died. To this day I have never cried harder than the day I found out. It was a cold morning, February 23, 2010

I remember my first sneak out. The adrenaline was pumping through every vein in my body, it was a cold night in december.

I remember my last sneak out. My mom was there standing in the snow waiting for me. That was arguably the worst feeling in the world.

I remember thinking that I would never make it to graduation; yet here I am, just begging time to slow down so I can savor the last time I have here, and I know it sounds crazy, but yes, I will miss high school.

Addition

Addition
one of the first things we learn to do in school
arguably one of the most important
but I don't mean math
I'm talking about adding to the greater good,
the school,
the community,
peoples lives,
society as a whole.
Addition when used correctly can change lives for the better.
Unfortunately one of the first things we also learn is subtraction,
take what you can from this,
take your time
take that smile off your face this is serious,
we take things for granted
take my heart and do what you will with it

sadly most of us become to focused on subtraction rather than addition,
when we have all been taught that true happiness comes from addition,
and few of us seem to learn,
but for the few that do, they know how marvelous addition can be
so in life try to do a little more addition than subtraction next time.
You never know what could happen.
Heck, you might even end up changing someone life,
just try and make it for the better.

mushy gushy follow your heart

This might be mushy and maybe even a little bit gushy, but that's just how hearts go, so I'm sorry.
Our hearts speak to us and tell us to do things that will make us happy
they tell us to follow them and not the brain,
they say the brain never did anything but math and visual processing
that nothing good ever came from being complacent
so what do we do?
we take its hand and follow it into the unknown
hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
I recently followed my heart
it told me to kiss my best friends younger sister
it told me it would make me happy,
and it did
I'm arguably the happiest I've ever been,
scratch that,
I am
and I know that I could never gotten here following my brain
and I have absolutely no clue what comes next,
but that's half the fun
I guess that's just how following your heart goes now doesn't it

That one girls pool

So there was this one time when my friends and I all went to this on chicks house on a friday night there were about 7 or 8 of us guys that showed up at this house. The thing is, the house wasn't just an average house, it was really nice, like it has an indoor basketball court and an indoor rock climbing wall and a bunch of other stuff. So we get there and everyone is doing is doing lame stuff, so we take it into our own hands to show ourselves around this nice home we have just been welcomed into. So all 8 of us start going room to room poking our heads in and looking around. After about 4 or 5 rooms we open up a door and walk into their exercise room that has an indoor pool in it. Everyone starts losing their mind and gets into this room as fast as we can and we lock the door behind us. I ran over to the crank for the pool cover and removed it meanwhile everyone else hadn't planned on swimming so everyone stripped down to their underwear and started to get in. I was the only one who didn't because I was the guy in charge of lookout, I was also the only guy who seemed to realize that there may be some type of repercussions to the whole thing, so I was fine with being the lookout guy. I hung out on the outside of the room for a while faithfully fulfilling my duty when they began to sing "I need the every hour" from the pool, so I went back inside for a minute to see what was going on. No more than a minute later do we hear a banging on the door and lots of yelling from the other side. Next thing you know, the door unlocks and swings open and 7 wet, cold, scantily clothed young men, grabbed all of their clothes and ran for the door as fast as they could. It was absolute mayhem, wet bodies slipping and falling into things as they tried to take the corners too fast. Almost all of the girls started screaming and one of them broke down crying. All 8 of us sprinting out the backdoor, 7 of us in nothing but underwear, tromping through the snow to get to the car. I was the driver and the last guy barely made it into the car before we peeled out. As we were about a half mile down the road one of the guys yells "wait, I left one of my shoes in there" he had left his right shoe back at the pool, and these weren't just any shoes, these were the Kobe 10's, arguably worth more than the car we were in. That being the case we had no choice but to go back to the scene of the crime and rescue what we had lost. We pulled up to the house and you could hear the wails of a crying girl from outside the house. The girl who owned the house was waist deep in the pool in tears trying to "fix" the pool but only making it much worse. As we walked inside it was somber as a funeral, not a soul in there was saying a word for fear for being banned from the house for eternity. We solemnly filed into the pool room and she really let us know how she felt, punching and hitting some of us. Yelling the whole time. There was nothing to do but get the shoe and leave, nothing we could say or do would console her. So that is what we did. And I've tried to avoid her ever since.

What happens in vegas, stays in vegas

Thank you

A word to my (future) children

To whom it may concern,

I hope that I can be the best dad you could ever dream of.

I hope I can be there when you win your first soccer game.

I hope I can be there when you lose your first tooth.

I hope that when you score your first goal you tell me all about it, and that you won't stop talking about it for the next month.

I hope that the anxiety from losing a tooth won't stop you from letting me pull it out,

that I can be there when you win an award at the science fair, even if it's just for participating,

that I can be there when you lose your first soccer game, I've been there, I know how it feels.

I hope that when I come home from work I hear your feet running from wherever you are to come give me a big hug.

I hope that you get mad at me when I tell you to finish your dinner so you can get big and strong, so that you can become what I never could.

I want to be in the passenger seat when you drive around the church parking lot for the first time.

I hope that I never have to take work home so that I can hang out with you, instead of the computer.

I hope you tell me when I'm embarrassing you, so I can continue doing whatever I'm doing.

I hope you get into trouble while you still can, adulthood won't be much fun.

I hope you tell me when you've won your first love,

I hope you tell me when you've lost your first love too.

I hope that when you talk about me to your friends it's only about how "awesome" I am,

even though I'm sure it won't always be that way,

because after all, I'll know what's best for you won't I?

On second thought I probably won't even know what's best for me,

so please just bear with me,

I'll probably still be trying to find myself.

But I won't let that stop me from being the "bestest dad" I've always hoped I could be.

scars

I know a lot of different people.

Some are outgoing.

Others are quiet and reserved.

Some are quiet and reserved because they are scared,

they are living in fear,

constant uncontrolled fear.

Fear of what could happen if they spoke out,

if they did something different,

if they wore something different,

if they acted different,

if they even though different.

Maybe them being SCARED is a result of being SCARRED.

Maybe something happened to them when they did something different once,

just once,

and now they shudder at the slightest thought of it.

I've known plenty of people with scars,

in fact some of the most beautiful people i've ever known were covered in them.

From gunshots, to nut shots

broken backs, to broken hearts

torn acl's, to torn apart families

we've all had our fair share of hard times

but it's what we do with these experiences that decide what type of person we become.

We like to hide these scars, we see them as weaknesses,

like it tells people that we have been vulnerable,

that maybe we made a dumb choice.

But maybe instead we should wear them with pride,

showing people that "yeah, I ventured into the unknown once, I tried something new, I was vulnerable and I paid for it, but I LIVED"

I lived

I lived

I lived

Lets all try to be a little less afraid of what we have become.

01100111 01101100 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 01100101 01110011

Some people are programmed.

Wake up

go to school

do homework

but every so often there will be a glitch in the system

a spark of sorts

something different

something that makes them realize that THEY ARE ALIVE

and then they slowly fade back into their routine.

They have a hard time recognizing that life is more than just a 4.0

more than their BYU acceptance letter

more than the car they drive

more than the shoes they wear

more than followers, likes and comments

more than everything they were PROGRAMMED to be

life is about making a difference

touching lives

relationships with people not phones

being spontaneous

lasting memories not 24 hour snapchat stories

Dates not DM's

leaving only footprints

taking only experiences

loving and being loved

pursuing your passion

time spent with your mom instead of under the knight.

crying

dreaming

falling in love,

and having your heart broken.

they don't know how to properly appreciate a spark when they see one

so next time you see someone who has been programmed,

try to put a spark in their life, 

you never know what they'll do with it.

After all, sparks are what got our fire burning.

Potluck poetry, a poem made using lyrics

Hey there,                                                                (Hey there Delilah, Plain White T's)
I was wondering,                                                     (Hello, Adele)
do you ever feel like                                                (Firework, Katy Perry)
going home                                                              (Hold on we're going home, Drake)
like
they'll never love you                                              (Like I can, Sam Smith)
but in
the moment                                                              (Lose Yourself, Eminem)
What you gone do? Lift your head up and keep moving, or let the paranoia haunt you                                                                                           (I, Kendrick Lamar)
We must                                                                   (We must be killers, Mikky Ekko)
Stay positive                                                            (Stay positive, The Streets)
Because                                                                   (Because, John Lennon)
being                                                                        (Almost like Being in love, Frank Sinatra)
different                                                                   (I'm Different, 2 chainz)
is
Just a part of life                                                      (Just a part of life, Jason Young Band)

CrAEoNs

I was given a 12 pack of crayons when I started kindergarten.
That year I lost my first crayon when chase and his lackeys made fun of me for wearing my favorite shoes.
My yu-gi-oh shoes.
The light up ones.
They stole that crayon and put it in their own pack because they didn't feel like their crayons were good enough.
In first grade I had to throw one of my crayons away because my girlfriend used it after she picked her nose in front of me.
AND ATE IT.
In second grade I lost one more crayon when I got in trouble for acting too childish.
Third grade claimed another crayon when I had to share a birthday with Anne, my nemesis.
She borrowed it and never gave it back.
Fourth grade followed that, claiming another crayon when I found out santa wasn't real.
I burned a whole crayon writing a note to a man who doesn't exist.
Fifth grade was rough, popular kids started emerging from the woodwork.
One of them pulled my pants down and made fun of my underwear because it had trucks on it.
He took that crayon and smashed it under his pokemon snow boots.
Sixth grade wasn't very much better, we moved 800 miles away and I had to make all new friends.
But eventually I did, and finally I got settled in to this new place.
I forgot one of my crayons in class one day, my 3rd favorite one too.
Seventh grade we moved right back to the same place we left.
I was packing like 30 pounds of babyfat and didn't know how to dress myself.
I left a crayon in my favorite pair of basketball shorts that went through the wash.
Eighth grade took another crayon when I wore another pair of shoes nobody liked.
Everyone that saw called me gay, then one day one of those kids pushed me over and stole a crayon.
Ninth grade was good to me, so good that it let me keep all the crayons I had.
Tenth grade was cool I guess, but I burned through a whole crayon taking notes in all my hard classes.
2 left.
Eleventh grade I let the girl I liked borrow her favorite color.
Then we kissed and she stopped talking to me.
I thought it was best if she just kept it.
Now I'm here, twelfth grade with one crayon left.
One crayon.
So much more life to live.
But once I graduate I get a lifetime supply of generic black pens.
Black pens to illustrate the rest of my life.
I think I'll hold onto this last crayon and save it for when I know I really need it.

Fears

Things I am afraid of

• the dark
• low phone battery
• girls
• awkward silences
• report cards
• Ted Bundy's cave
• Popular kids
• getting in the car late at night
• running up the stairs in the dark
• jumping in bed after you turn off the light
• people I have to impress
• tight spaces
• heights
• bad drivers
• someone offering me drugs
• graduating
• disappointing my parents
• getting pulled over
• running long distances
• forgetting school work
• school
• overcooked bread
• being bitten by bugs or small animals
• being alone in the woods at night
• paying for college
• getting rejected by girls
• getting kidnapped
• not knowing how much money is in my bank account
• losing my hair
• disappointing my friends
• being on old boats
• not being able to feel my phone in my pocket
• not being able to feel my wallet in my pocket
• 6 missed calls from mom
• rich people
• eating food cooked in a dirty house
• disappointing my siblings
• not getting my change from the vending machine
• raw chicken
• people missing lots of teeth
• rock climbing
• texting first
• old houses
• walking out of a store I didn't buy anything in
• ordering the wrong food for someone
• being disappointed
• satan
• swimming in big lakes
• cabins late at night
• overcooking my eggs
• coming home to an empty pantry
• jumping over fences
• having my feet hang out of the bottom of my blanket
• bears
• driving in fog
• getting lost in the wilderness
• calls from unknown numbers
• riding a bike down a big hill
• the movie the labyrinth
• being alone at night
• getting stuck in an alternate dimension
• kissing
• fast running rivers
• writing lame poems

Canned food

Most people have them. It's something that is usually in the back of our minds. Nobody usually thinks to them self, "I'm gonna go chow down on some diced chilies!" or "Dang, a mouthful of artichoke hearts sounds delicious right now". At least I've never thought that to myself. But I know I have hundreds of cans in my house right now just like that. I also know that when a couple of cans come together they can make something amazing.  We're talking some of the worlds best chili. World class enchiladas.  Award winning beef stroganoff. Life changing stir-fry. Mind boggling lasagna, and illustrious 7 layer dip. You see, we are all canned foods. Some of us are pickles, others may be tomato juice, blueberries, pineapple chunks, kidney beans, or even canned tuna. Sometimes it's hard to realize that on our own we might not be as great as we wish to be, but if we can find the right recipe and the right cook, we all become a gourmet meal so enticing and so divine that Gordon Ramsay himself would give his compliments to the chef. So on days you're feeling like a can of refried beans, just know you are a piece of some of the best nachos this side of the Mississippi.

Bricks to the face

My life has been full of bricks some good, some bad.
Some were handed to me on a silver platter, others thrown at my face when I least expected it.
Some hand forged by the gods on mount Olympus, others thrown together by satan in a matter of minutes.
Some came conveniently, others completely blindsiding me.
Some were asked for, others forced upon me.
All in all I think I've built a fairly decent structure with the bricks given to me.
But I've only just laid the foundation.
Just gotten a taste of building my future.
Life is about to start and I've gotta get my bricks together.
Otherwise I'm gonna get bricked right in the bricking brick.
Sometimes it really sucks, we have no choice but to lay the bricks we're dealt.
But that's just how life is.
The house we build might not be the best looking or the nicest.
But that doesn't mean it's worth less.
That just means it has something called character.
And thats something no amount of high quality bricks can buy.
It is a statement to everyone who see's the house you built that, "hey, I haven't exactly had the best luck but look what I have been able to make of that."
Thats what I want people to say when they look at my house.
You might have one good looking house but whats going to happen to it when a storm hits?
If you've never had to do anything hard in life you might find yourself in a pile of beautiful bricks.
Beautiful worthless bricks. 
And thats worse than any brick to the face, I'll tell you that right now.
But I suppose thats just how bricks work, isn't it.

My best friend in the whole wide world

What did humans do to deserve dogs? Think about it, even if you're not someone who loves dogs. They are arguably the greatest companions the world has ever known.
They will always remain loyal to you no matter what.
They don't care what you look like when you wake up.
They don't care how much money you make.
They don't care if you wear Gucci or your dad's hand-me-downs.
They don't care if you drive a Bentley or a 1994 Toyota.
They could care less if you were fat or skinny.
They will never lie to you.
They don't care if you have a Phd from Oxford or if you dropped out of High School.
They will never put you up to something you don't want to do (besides scooping poop)
They will be excited to see you every time they see you. Whether you were gone for a week or if you just had to go pee.
If they piss you off and you lock them up for a day, they don't care, they'll forget about it within 10 minutes.
They don't care if you're a convicted felon or a three time nobel peace prize winner
They don't mind sleeping on the ground.
They will stay up with you to watch that one more episode of Netflix 18 times in one night.
If someone just broke up with you they will stay by your side and let you use them as a tissue as long as you need.
A bowl of food and water will do.
If you have an new pair of shoes you don't love, no problem! They'll chew them up for you, heck, they'll even chew up the ones you love.
They will protect you all hours of the night and wake you up on Saturday mornings to let you know the garbage truck is outside just in case you forgot to take out the trash the night before.
They'll finish any food you don't want so nothing goes to waste.
They will die for you if that's what makes you happy.
How many people can you say that about?
How many people can make you feel rare and pure and loved all hours of the day every day?
How many people can make you feel extraordinary?
Just give them your heart, and they'll give you theirs.
We should all spend a little more time being grateful for the best friends we've ever had.

Tree sap

I've never been in love.

At least not in a romantic sense.

Or at least not as far as I know. 

I think I've wanted to be.

But that's a dangerous game to play in high school.

It is arguably the biggest investment that you can make at this age, and it's on someone just as blindly foolish as you are.

You find someone just as madly lovestruck and vulnerable as you and walk aimlessly down a pathway neither of you know.

You expose yourself, hand them a loaded gun, and hope for the best.

You trust them like you trust your own mother

Don't get me wrong. 

I've thought about it plenty, and realized it's not worth the pain I would likely endure.

I've only ever kissed four girls, only one was really real though.

My first.

I remember it more vividly than yesterday.

A cold winter night, sweaty palms, adrenaline pumping through every vein in my body.

So much led up to it, and it was over in the blink of an eye.

Her lips were soft like an over ripe peach.

She closed her eyes, I closed mine, and there it was.

The over-hyped first kiss.

And then she cut me off like a bad habit.

This is turning sappy.

But thats just how love is, isn't it?

Time

Time
I'm really good at wasting it.
One of the best people I know.
I want to spend it doing something good but when I have extra time I guess I just don't know what to do with it.
I spend too much time on instagram.
Too little time being with my little brothers.
Too much time on snapchat.
Too little time taking pictures of things that actually matter.
Too much time on twitter.
Too little time reading out of the good book.
Too much time on Facebook (I know, who uses Facebook anymore?)
Too little time listening to my sisters worries and helping her with them.
Too much time staring at my phone.
Too little time telling my mom about how my life is.
Too much time wishing I had money.
Too little time actually earning money.
Too much time comparing myself to others.
Too little time making myself a better person.
Too much time wishing I had the girl of my dreams.
Too little time going out to get her.
Too much time focusing on what I should have done.
Too little time focusing on what to do next time.
Too much time sitting.
Waiting.
Wishing.
Not spent doing.

Assumptions and Probably's

You can tell a lot about a person by the hat they wear.
At least thats what we assume.
I try not to make assumptions but it's much easier said than done.
If he's wearing a snapback made by Obey or Brixton, he's probably a real douchebag who's full of himself.
If he wears a flat brimmed hat made by Monster he's probably white trash and is the kid you see making out in the hallway but never see in class.
If he wears a Golden State warriors hat he's probably a bandwagoner.
If she's wearing a yankees ball cap with a bun hanging out of the back she probably slept in and didn't have time to do her hair this morning.
If he's wearing a bucket hat he probably smokes pot with his friends after school.
If he's wearing a camo hat that says browning he's probably killed many animals in that hat.
If she wears neon blue DC hat she's probably making out with the guy in the Monster hat.
If he wears a fedora he probably spends all his Friday nights playing video games with the same two people and he's one of 5 people in the lunchroom every day at lunch.
Before we even meet these people we stereotype them and make them out to be something they aren't.
We judge them by what's on their head rather than by what's in it.
I cant tell you right now I've met amazing people in each and every one of those hats that I just talked about.
I am still friends with many of them and I cherish that friendship.
Now thats not to say I didn't assume something about them because I guarantee you I did.
And I bet you make the same assumptions I do.
But that's just an assumption I'm making about you now isn't it.
Dang it.

Expectations and To be's

Expectations
I am the oldest of 7 kids. I have been living my whole life with someone younger than me looking up to me, which isn't that scary, until you realize how big of an impact you have on them. Then it's terrifying. I am expected to be someone they can always look to for a good example. I am expected to always be watching out for them.
To turn off the radio when a bad song comes on.
To take care of mom when dad goes out of town.
To follow all the rules given to me.
To make honor roll.
To graduate and then go live on my own for two years without giving it a second thought.
To be confident but humble.
To be an achiever.
To be reliable.
To be academically driven but family oriented.
To get up at 6 a.m. to shovel the driveway any time it snows.
To be strong willed and determined but flexible and open minded.
 And did I mention my greatest fear is disappointing those who expect these things of me? How am I supposed to do all this when I'm trying to figure out who I am and who I want to become? But if I'm being honest, I wouldn't change it if I could. The satisfaction of fulfilling those expectations is well worth the stress. Don't get me wrong, I'm not able to do all of these things, I haven't been on the honor roll since 7th grade, I listen to songs I probably shouldn't, often times I end up driving on the snow I should have shoveled. I care way to much about likes, comments, retweets, snapchats, and anything else related it. I don't want to make it seem like my life is all that bad because it really isn't, but would you even be interested in this if it wasn't?